"Learning to Love the Fool in Me"

"I must learn to love the fool in me. The one who feels too much, talks toomuch, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries"- Theordore Isaac Rubin

      It's definitely a struggle. Don't get me wrong, I am becoming more and more confident with the person that I am with each passing day. But, for like many women, it is still a struggle. With all the pressures that we face each waking day, it seems as if one would never really be happy with the person that we really are. In a society where we are told that we are not thin enough, not attractive enough, not smart enough, not rich enough... we are never really "enough". How are we supposed to be happy with the people that we really are? Walk into any book store and we are bombarded with self-help books. Books to help you lose weight. Books to help you get richer. Book to help you find books to become better. Don't get the wrong idea. I am a huge fan of books. I think that educating yourself is definitely important. But I also think that if we are wanting better ourselves, we should look inside to see who we really are. Look into your soul to see not just who you are today, but look to see who you used to be and how far you have become. Instead of trying to become something that you are not. I think we should focus on the amazingness (and yes, I know that is not a "real" word lol) that is inside each of us. Time to take off the masks and become who you really are.

        One of the biggest things that I have an issue accepting about myself, is just how much and how deeply I feel things. I am very in tune with my feeling (have been told that I am possibly too in tune with them). When I am happy, I am happy. When I am sad, I am sad. Don't try to tell me how I feel. It just won't work. I am not an actress. I am a writer. I can write what I feel, but I sure as hell can't hide it. I am finally getting to the point in life where I am ok with feeling what I feel. In fact, it is better to actually confront your feelings, then to try and hide or bury them. Growing up I was always teased by my family for being "too sensitive" (a comment that is still made from time to time today). I HATED that about myself. I would sit there and think to myself "Jessica, why do you care? Why can't you at least pretend not to care?" This was probably my biggest struggle growing up. But now, I am working really hard to remember that just as my smiles are mine t use as I wish, my tears are my own as well. To be used when I need them. They aren't to be controlled or hidden out of fear of what other people might think or feel. I smile when I need to and I cry when I need to.

      I am done beating myself up for all the things that I am not. I am done beating myself up for not meeting other people's standards. For not being who they want me to be. For not being a size 4 woman. For not driving a BMW. For not having gone to a university. This is me. And while I am still finding myself and working on being a kinder, more honest and genuine woman, this is the only me that I am ever going to get. At the end of the day, as cliche' as it may sound, you are the one you have face in the mirror each morning. How much happier would you be, if you truly liked the person staring back at you?